What are you afraid of?

May-Cause-Miracles1OK, so here goes.

I found myself in Waterstones again today, with my nose in book after book in the self help, mind body and spirit sections. What does that tell me? Probably that I’m not entirely in love with my life right now and that I’m still under the impression that all I need to do is read the right book and I’ll have it all sorted.

So I happened upon ‘May Cause Miracles’ by Gabrielle Bernstein and I made a deal with myself. “If I treat myself to this book, I’ll make a real effort to do all the things it says I should do. Even if every bone in my body is coming up with excuses not to.” Like it does. Every time.

I bought the book. I sat with a coffee in Caffe Nero and I read the first chapter. “Witness Your Fear” Eek! I don’t know if I want to! I reckon Gabrielle knows what she’s talking about – she’s been a binge eater and a drug addict and she now has a charmed life which she attributed to the techniques she learned with the help of, “A Course in Miracles” and some hard work. Needless to say, given that it only cost me about £2, I also downloaded that 365 day to-do list. It’s all very spiritual apparently but it’s been name checked by Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer so I think I’ll be in good company!

So as from Monday, I’ll be working through the book, day by day, and using changes in my thinking and actions to kick myself up the backside, nicely of course.

I’m also making a deal with myself to document the journey here. So – are you coming along for the ride? I really hope so!

The first chapter really hit me where I know I need to do some work. What am I afraid of? Me!

When I started to think about blogging my progress, the #1 fear that came up was that I was scared of letting people know who I really am! I have a blog called Relentlessly Positive but I’ve just had a truly shitty week and it’s knocked me for six. I didn’t feel positive. I also have a blog called Gorgeously Full Fat where I talk the talk about being plus size. But I don’t want to be the size I am. Honestly – I don’t want to be skinny either. Just a bit less fat. There, I said it.

So I feel like a fraud and I don’t like to be TOO honest about myself in case I lose followers, lose respect, or even worse, lose the desire to BE relentlessly positive or body-positive. I’m always a little scared of giving in to who I really am. Like a lot of people I have a mask, and I wear it a LOT. When I was single I used it to tell myself and the world I was sassy and single…but inside I was lonely and sad some of the time. I pretend I’m on top of things so that people don’t realise I’m having problems coping. I pretend I’m fine when I’m not. Why do I do it? I don’t know, but all these fears seem to lead back to one thing…I’m scared of people seeing my vulnerability. I feel like I have to do things myself, get myself out of any pickles I’ve got myself into, sort my own crap out.

On the plus side, I do love to think positive, I believe we attract and make our own luck a lot of the time and that misery really does breed company. I don’t want to be negative. It annoys the crap out of me. but I’m human, and when shit happens, I react to it in a less than serene way. I cry, I beat myself up, I over eat. That’s me!

Monday’s mission is going to be identifying other things that scare me. What am I actually afraid of, and what’s getting in the way of me being and doing all the lovely things I want?

Want to join in?

Read an interview with Gabrielle Bernstein here… May Cause Miracles

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10 thoughts on “What are you afraid of?

  1. Nancy Norbeck says:

    Wow, Sarah…I hear you. I keep managing to chip away at the fear here and there, but there’s still a whole heckuva lot of it left, and I may be sitting right at the heart of it. I haven’t heard of the book, but will check it out. I got a book just after Christmas called Beautiful You that’s a 365-day thing, and I read Day 1, never remembered to get out my journal, and…yeah. I think I should promise to get cracking on that one before I start anything else, but we’ll see what calls me loudest!

    Good on you for making this promise to yourself, in any case. I’ll look forward to reading about your experience with the program!

  2. Positive Sarah says:

    Thanks nancy, now I just have to make sure I keep my promise, don’t I? It’s a bit xc scary, unpeeling the layers on my onion (yes, I did get that from Shrek) but I really do think my fear of being seen as vulnerable probably gets in the way a lot…good luck with your quest, too!

  3. Meredith says:

    Great, honest post, Sarah. I could really relate. As a yoga teacher, and now life coach, I do sometimes feel like I’m not living up to all the things I teach, too. It is definitely a journey that is common to all of us who are trying to live an authentic life and help others on the path. I think you are on the right track with getting vulnerable and honest – with yourself and your followers.

    Oh, and I love Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability, too!

    Best wishes!

  4. Coralie Plozza says:

    Yes we are our own worst enemy and I hear you there … feeling like a fraud is a constant occurence (bad spelling a close second 😉 ) I may just join you on this journey the book sounds great will be looking it up … I pulled out a very important oracle card from my deck today to share with everyone it was “Believe in YOU” and we are on our way 🙂

    If you want to see this card and it’s meaning check out this link 🙂
    http://www.facebook.com/RainbowFarmPhotography

    • Positive Sarah says:

      Thanks so much! It’s going to be so hard for me to spill my guts and be totally honest but I think it’s what I need to do. Wish me luck and I’d love it if you joined me and compared notes 🙂

  5. Donna says:

    Vulnerability is one of the scariest things in the world. I used to hide so much, because I thought life coaches should have perfect lives…then I realised that everyone has problems, no one is perfect, and when I found a life coach who had the courage to show me they were human I realised that you don’t have to be perfect to be a leader, but you do need to be REAL. That’s what people respond to – not your perfection, your human-ness, your unique beauty (including the sucky stuff), the real, authentic YOU. Positive/negative, happy/sad, gorgeous and wanting to lose a few pounds. xxx

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